“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh