Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
You Might Also Like
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands