<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed