*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
LMAO.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!