if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’d hang this in my house.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.