Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest