(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You Might Also Like
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
So we got a goldfish…
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
kevin is now a local weatherman
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send