If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
i now pronounce you bounced.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
is this how new cars are made??
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.