Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.