What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My whole life was a lie.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.