If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator