me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
New comic up. “Ransom”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Good morning!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.