For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.