Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??