I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes