CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding