I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
giddy up Office Depot
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”