*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Knock Knock
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.