In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead