Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Doctors texting each other.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register