Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay