Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
is this meant to deter me
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”