[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”