OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Can. I. Help. You.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.