I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE