I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Thrilling chase underway
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.