I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
me and my fake scenarios
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.