I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?