Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof