The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard