Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The 6 types of sex
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.