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Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Möther may I have a snäck
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time