[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*