If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.