Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working