My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Genius idea!!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Your honor these allegations are
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?