As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You Might Also Like
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Friday night party time 🥳
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Woke up against my better judgment again
Brother?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)