9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”