[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
found this cool rock hiking today
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.