I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.