[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
One of the best
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My warrants are pretty outstanding.