Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you