If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…