That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.