daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
wtf is an acronym
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.