I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word