her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Well well well…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.