Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here