I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
girls literally only want one thing..
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension