Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err